IFS and facilitation

We all love being part of a group where things flow naturally, where we feel valued and respected. As humans, I came to believe that this is one of our superpowers, and one of our birthrights: we can become some sort of collective super-organism that seamlessly acts together.

To be clear: not all interactions work that way, and some of us may not have experienced a genuinely cohesive group environment. That included me for a too long time.

The way I see it, it is a bit like a bird that never got a chance to fly. Yes, the metaphor of the ugly duckling, or the albatross of Coleridge come to mind.

At least, I suspect most of us have had at least a glimpse of what a good interaction feels like, maybe a camping trip with friends or engaging in creating something with others.

As part of our natural superpowers, our birthright, once we have experienced how good group human interactions feel, the ones that don't work well begin to feel like a missed opportunity or a mistake.

“This is not supposed to hurt. We are with other humans sharing ideas and creating together: this can feel amazing. If it hurts, we are doing it wrong”.

This led me to facilitating events: I wanted (and want) to co-create and support the sort of environments that I personally love, where we easily feel welcome, valued, where we can shine, flourish, have fun, contribute, and help each other.

Well, to be honest, first I had to learn to facilitate events, because when I tried, it did not always work.

Allowing things to flow naturally can be trickier than it looks.

When I discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS), I was more than 10 years into my facilitation journey, and I brought what I had learned with me, and adapted both my facilitation skills to IFS, and IFS informed my facilitation.

After all, IFS encourages us to consider “parts of ourselves” (parts, for short) as actual beings, if not always human beings: creating a space where they could better interact with each other, and supporting them in getting along when they didn’t, is exactly what I do when I facilitate a group. In doing IFS, I just had to do it inside of myself, with my own parts.

As I noted: allowing things to flow naturally is at times harder than it looks. This includes groups of people, moving our own body parts, and having our parts work well together.

And, when it works: it feels easy, and it feels amazing.

The way I see it, respecting people and respecting parts can be similar, and bring to similar results.

What helps?

Think about what we need to feel safe, valued, respected, included. Then we can try to do it for all parts of ourselves (and again, for parts of other people).

In short, what helps?

As a start:

Giving everyone space: people and parts have different needs to be heard, to be at the center, to contribute, to feel in control, and yet it is essential that everyone gets a chance. When talking with a friend, it is not a problem if we mostly listen and speak only 10% of the time, unless that happens because we are not given the space to talk. The same with parts: make sure that everyone has a chance to step in and be heard, and make sure that the ones that never stop talking get a chance to shut up and listen. [*** is shut up too violent?]

(This used to be a note I would write to myself: “help me shut up, I am here to listen”. Some of my parts still need that. It can be expressed with love)

And at times, this also means giving people (and parts) the chance to take space, and allowing not to take it and be quiet.

Listening to everyone: connected to giving space, and yet not the same. Invite people (and parts) to speak up, then listen to what they say.

It sounds obvious, and yet: how many times we have been asked our opinion, only to give “the wrong answer” that was not accepted?

It is OK if there are disagreements: give them space, allow everyone and everypart to be listened, and see what happens.

(At times, both as an inner and outer facilitator, you will have opinions. I for sure do. As long as you are open to listening to contrary positions, and as long as you do not go “this is right because I say so”, as long as it is one voice among many, I feel it is OK.

Consider that opinion as held by a part: they are welcome to join the conversation, as long as they don’t try to take full control)

Consent: allow people to say “no”, to express their needs, their opinions. Actually listen, once you ask. Their voices need to be heard. Yes, they could not agree with others: it can take more work, but it will bring to a real yes (or even to the famed “hell, yeah!”), instead of a “I want to say no, but I don’t trust you to listen, so I will say yes and then not follow through”.

This happens with people, this happens with parts.

As a facilitator, I try to provide an opportunity for everyone to contribute and share their perspective, and reach a common understanding.

In the hardest cases, the understanding can be about not understanding each other, and about how much work will be needed to clarify that. If that is the truth, it is better to acknowledge it instead of pretending it’s not there. For people, and for parts.

“Sure, from tomorrow I will work out every morning”, and then it doesn’t happen. Wouldn’t it be better to actually include the parts that do not want to make it happen, and find a way to get them on board?

[stragegies ≠ needs: the way to reach it can be different, but there is a similar underlying intentions, needs, or goals. There are usually ways to get all people and parts to get their different needs met, and at times you can even realize they are the same needs, expressed in different ways]

Safety and non-violence: verbal attacks usually create barriers or counterattacks, block the flow of cooperation, and of course make people (and parts) feel unsafe.

We want an environment where everyone can speak without fear of judgment, ridicule, or violence, and at times as a facilitator we will need to enforce it.

In general: all parts and opinions are welcome, but not all behaviors.

We want to listen to everyone before we act: going ahead and doing things before listening and being listened to first is somewhat non-consensual. This is true both inside and outside.

In general: the principles of nonviolent communication work great both inside, and outside. People and parts like to be listened to, and love having their needs met.

(Who doesn’t?)

Not taking sides: we want to stay as neutral as possible, if not “objective”.

Once we take sides, once we have an agenda that is not “we want everyone to work well with each other, and feel included and valued”, well: we will be tempted not to listen to some people, parts, or opinions, or force things.

Not doing that is very hard.

At times, the best we can do it is by sharing our opinions and parts: “I feel strongly about it, but I won’t force it”.

As a note: at times, when the behaviors of some people (or parts, or their parts) seem to go against the flow of the group, and the safety of the group, it is tempting to act against them or exclude them “for the common good”, saying they are from a different tribe, they do not belong, etc.

When I was learning to facilitate and host people and events, I sometimes behaved that way.

It feels righteous. You want everyone to be safe, so you will go to war for it.

The problem is that… you become part of the problem.

The way I finally understood it was like this:

initially, we had one problem, the actions (or reactions) of someone (or a part).

Then I reacted to it, and we ended up with two problems: the first behavior, and my reaction.

Be careful of the agenda of “we have to be a well functioning team” and “I want everyone to be happy”.

This counts doubly inside: beware of the agenda of “having no agenda”, of pushing away parts and participants in name of “keeping no agenda”.

Beware of taking sides against some part that seems polarizing.

Beware of using (inner) violence against violence.

This is a start.

Facilitating interactions involves supporting an environment allowing everyone to contribute and feel heard, valued, and respected, no matter if inside and involving parts, or with people.

The way I see it, one way to feel Self-energy is noticing how it feels when things flow smoothly.

It is one way to be integrated: all parts interacting easily, not fighting each other, giving each other space.

It is a way to feel home and belonging.

When it works, it feels easy, and it feels great.