It’s almost that time again. For some, Christmas and family-related holidays are something they look forward to and cherish - a time connected to coming together, seeing loved ones, and taking some time away from work. For some, holidays are more of an obligation, something to manage, possibly simply to survive as our not-chosen relationships rub up closer than feels right for us. For others, holidays may mean time alone, and all that is brought up by others gathering. In this article I’ll focus on and share my own strategies that have helped me and my parts before, during, and after holidays with family.
As I’m planning on going to Poland to be with my own family, I remember a sentence from Ram Dass that always resonates with me around Christmas and spending time “back home.” According to Ram Dass, if you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family. I also appreciate his idea to treat everyone like God in drag, which to me really resonates with the IFS idea of the “tormentor.” In IFS, a “tormentor” is a person (or an internal part) that triggers strong reactions, and whose role can be viewed as a teacher or mentor. In other words, our tormentors show us which parts of us we should tend to, explore, and support. I’ll add that for me, places too (including my family home) can also serve as tormentors, as they bring up memories of events and feelings from the past. Taking in all of these ideas, Christmas or any family-related holiday can serve as a way of collecting information - whether it’s about our parts, our needs, or simply better ways to show up for ourselves and those around us.
BEFORE
Who is this (gift) for?
One of my favorite questions, whether checking in with myself or with someone else, is “is this (gift) for you or for me?” Rooted in Betty Martin’s framework of the Wheel of Consent, it can clarify for whom we, or someone else, are doing something. Without this question asked inside or to those around us, it’s easy to run into situations like these: ‘I spent 500 EUR coming home for Christmas for you and you don’t even pick me up from the airport’ OR ‘you spent X on a gift I don’t want and are disappointed I don’t love it.’ Of course, often “the gift” is for both - but asking this question can be a great way to decipher whether going to that fancy restaurant really makes sense.
In my case, I’ve already established with my mother that she would enjoy the ‘gift’ of me being there for Christmas. As such, I can easily lean into the space of being ‘in-service’ and somehow suspend the ‘taking’ or ‘what’s in this for me,’ since it’s chiefly about the gift for my mother. This pre-design helps my parts not go home and get disappointed if they don’t get what they want, since I’m chiefly going there for my mother. A part of me needs to add that the Wheel of Consent is a much richer framework than I’m describing here, and I recommend exploring it.
Intentions: what do I want to happen?
Intentions can be powerful stuff. Adding to the clarity of whom we’re going home for, intentions can help us remember how and what we want to happen while we’re ‘back home’ for the holidays. This year I’ll set a few meta intentions for my time in Poland (e.g., supporting my mum, taking my father for walks, self-care, making sure I connect with my cousins) and integrate writing down intentions into my morning journaling practice when there. The morning practice can be simply a way of remembering/reminding myself about the meta intentions, or adding ones that may emerge day-to-day.
What intention do you want to try on for this holiday season?
DURING
On conversation
I struggle with small talk, and expecting my not-hyper-talkative parents to initiate deeper conversation has not been a blazing success over the years. What I’ve wanted usually is to know more about my parents - to know what’s going on for them, what they find interesting, etc. What I’ve found nourishing and connective is offering what I actually want my parents to offer, meaning sharing with them more about my life and myself, sometimes including the vulnerable bits. I think years ago I was much more careful about what I shared with them since my parts didn’t want to ‘worry them’ or thought ‘they’ll never understand about X.’ (e.g., sharing with my parents about my first ayahuasca experience and getting them a science-based book about it was such a breath of fresh air in our connection.)
Finding ways of being together
You can call it sad or normal or whatever else you like, but my parents and I don’t have a LOT of ways of spending time together that we all enjoy. E.g., my parents like to play cards, I don’t; my father likes to talk about politics, I don’t. What I came to understand is that there are two core ways of spending time together: ways where we all enjoy what we’re doing (e.g., walking, foraging, eating together), and what I’ve come to embrace as the notion of “parallel play.” Parallel play stems from how children can enjoy doing different things (e.g., in a sandpit) but still really enjoy being there together. For me, parallel play emerged as a strategy for moments in the day where I can be doing something I enjoy and be in the same space as one of my parents. (E.g., my mum tends to do most of the cooking and refuses to receive support, and it can work well for me to sit in the kitchen and journal or write and dip in and out of conversation with her. Another example: my parents are really not big talkers and they take time to have tea after we breakfast. What I’ve enjoyed doing in the last couple of years is taking my morning journal and doing my gratitude practice whilst sharing the space with them…the gratitude practice also brings up little bits of pleasant conversation to have with them.)
What are the activities that you enjoy doing with your family?
Are there activities that you can have in your back pocket when you share space with your family?
Finding ways of being apart
I used to go home and find myself feeling guilty whenever I was in Poland and NOT spending time with my parents. It could be me going to see my extended family, me doing morning yoga, you name it. My inner critic felt anxious whenever I was separate from my parents and not “making the most of it” since “connecting with my parents was of utmost importance.”1 This not only brought heaviness to the times where I was actually spending time with my parents but also meant that I felt less resourced, centered, and open since I had ignored my own needs and prioritized being with them. It also felt so painful to actually be there and feel disconnected (which of course still happens). I’d also ‘make my parents wrong’ for wanting to do anything but spend time with me while “at home.” To me, self-care “back home” means that I can create more intentional times to connect and rest when I’m not interacting. Since I’ve done (a lot of) work with my guilty part, I feel more able to take care of myself when back “at home,” which ‘strangely enough’ pays off with more moments of connection with my parents.
When things don’t go well
One way or another, if not by day 1 then usually by day 3, latest by Christmas Eve, things will start to ‘cook.’ I will usually accumulate withheld communication, have to some level not had enough space to recover from social (and possibly not nourishing) interactions, have had my parts remember things that happened A Long Time Ago™ and didn’t feel good just by being in the physical space where they happened, etc. Also, the social dynamics slowly drift from “omg we are together isn’t it lovely” to the re-noticing of the more ‘normal’ dynamics and realities of ‘family life.’ Knowing that things will become more difficult as the days go by means that self-care practices start from day 1.
Once I’ve accumulated unexpressed requests or feel the need to share feelings with my parents, I start to speak for my parts. This can often only happen once I’ve listened to my parts, found ‘the good enough moment’ to speak for them, and ideally formulated any requests that can be helpful for my system. Without these pre-conditions, I often don’t have enough of a ‘handle’ around what I want to say, and having them gives (a slightly, says my funny part) better chance of being heard. One of the principles I like to go back to in this context is getting complete with people and interactions in the moment, rather than holding things for well after I’ve left.
One meditation practice that I find very helpful, whether things are going well or not, is that of loving kindness. In case you’re not familiar with this way of meditating, you can read more about it here. I find it a very sweet practice of tapping both into self-care, self-compassion, and bringing a more compassionate energy to the family system since I usually orient and send the metta to my family members when ‘back home.’ It really helps me tune into wishing everyone well and finding more compassionate energy.
AFTER
It’s perfectly normal and healthy that sometimes after a bumpy time with family, all we want is to catch up on rest or at least not think about what we just went through. Rest is important and healthy, and, so that we make the most of the hopefully-not-too-grueling time we spent with our family, it can be really helpful to reflect on what did and what didn’t go so well so that hopefully we can learn from the experience and shape our next one to be more nourishing. Here are a few questions I’ll use this year to review my Christmas experience:
Challenges and forgiveness
• What were the challenging moments?
• What needs to be mourned?
• What can I forgive myself for?
• Are there things that can be forgiven in others?
• How can things be different next time?
What went well
• What were the best moments and what made them possible?
• What were the wins, whether tiny or big, this time?
• How can I build on this for next time?
Are you curious to talk more about this? I will be hosting a session on this topic at our Parts Work Unconference on Dec 6th. It’s a free participatory place to learn, exchange and connect about parts work and beyond. We would love to see you there!
It makes a part of me try to recall a meme (without success) which said something like “Do I feel bad about going for a run when on a family holiday? Less than I used to feel bad about yelling at my mum when I hadn’t taken care of myself.”
Such a useful post! Thank you! All of my parts send you gratitude. And I love the graphic. See you at the Unconference!
Looking forward to the Unconference as well!