Affirmations as trailhead finders
On using affirmations to identify what to explore, what is hidden, what could require some attention. Even (or especially) if you do not like affirmations.
If affirmations make you cringe, this article could be for you. If you love affirmations, we are going to offer you a new way to use them. If they always left you indifferent, if you never got them, or if you do not even know what affirmations are1, this is an invitation to test them for self exploration in your practice.
But before we start: if you like what we do, if you like what you are reading, share it with others, and/or subscribe. We rely on word of mouth. Come to the events we organize, like the Unconference (we are having one soon, October the 12th, 2024). If you really like what we’re doing, you can book a 1:1 session with one of us to find out what it’s like to work with us.
Affirmations and their discontent
According to Wikipedia,
Affirmations in New Thought and New Age terminology refer primarily to the practice of positive thinking and self-empowerment—fostering a belief that "a positive mental attitude supported by affirmations will achieve success in anything."More specifically, an affirmation is a carefully formatted statement that should be repeated to oneself and written down frequently. For affirmations to be effective, it is said that they need to be present tense, positive, personal, and specific.
They are aimed at challenging negative thoughts and promoting self-belief, and are quite common in pop psychology and self-help literature.
Some example affirmations are:
"I am worthy of love and respect."
"I trust myself to make the right decisions."
"My body is strong and capable of healing itself."
"I am capable of achieving my goals."
"I am surrounded by love and support."
"I breathe in peace and exhale stress."
In a way, they can resemble a mantra, or an invitation, like the one used in Metta (loving kindness) meditation: “may […] be happy and free from suffering”.
Some people find them empowering. Other find them cringeworthy. I totally understand: I can be one the latter, and have been one for most of my life.
Affirmations can have several issues:
For a start, they can feel inauthentic. If I tell my own system what I know not being true, I find that my systems ends up trusting me less. Declaring “I am rich” when struggling to make ends meet make some of my parts at least raise an eyebrow when considering the mismatch between reality and statement, while saying “I am loved and I am worthy” while going through a breakup from hell makes most of my parts going “sure, yeah, and the moon is made of cheese”.
They can feel simplistic: reality is rarely simple, and they can seem to trivialize complex emotional issues.
For some of us, they can feel selfish and self centered.
Others can find them to edge a bit too much in the direction of The Law of Attraction, implying that the universe is in some sort of obligation to fulfill our wishes.
There are probably other reasons to cringe about them I’m not aware of.2
The good thing in Internal Family System (IFS) is that we do not need to be of a single mind about something (or anything): we can use a tool, feel a bit of cringe, feel skeptical, and also enjoy using it, and see what happens.
Enter trailheads
Trailheads are a beautiful concept in IFS: they refer to physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts that can serve as entry points for exploring and accessing different parts of oneself.
Life happens. We react to life. At times, we notice our reactions to be somewhat not calibrated, like exploding in anger at realizing our partner forgot to buy the milk, or collapsing in tears because we ran out of raisins.3
Once the emergency has been dealt with, the milk and the raisins sourced, we can go back to that and wonder “what was that about?”. Or, even better, we can at times use it on the spot, if we are centered, in Self enough to do it: “oh wow, a trailhead, interesting, something to explore when we have time and space!”.
Just like trailhead in the forest, an inner trailhead can bring us places, somewhere new, or known. Maybe it stops after a few steps, maybe it takes us to a very dark place, to a treasure, to a meadow, to a waterfall, to some magical creature, or a monster. The good thing is that even if we were not aware of it before, now we are, and we can explore in our own time (or never4). We now know it’s there. It is not an obstacle in the way: you can go there when you have the resources, not because you have to.
You can choose the adventure, and often choose how deep to go.
Putting it all together
Let’s go back to affirmations for a moment. Choose one from the examples we listed, or come up with one of your own. Try saying it aloud.
What happens? Is there a part that cringes? A part that comes up with “yeah, sure”? A part that comes up with memories that contradict it? Those are trailheads. Those are parts we can explore.
I will make it now a bit more personal: I shared a few times (not yet in writing) how thanks to IFS I was finally able to fully say (and feel) “I have worth”, “I trust myself”, “I am loved”, and other statements that I assumed that applied only to some other humans, not to me.
The magic that allowed it was not having to accept all of myself, all at once. I could do it bit by bit. I could eat the meal bite by bite, not in a single gulp.
I would say “I have worth”, and something would come up. “But you did this!” (something rotten), or “that person did that to you, you clearly deserved it”, or a long list of possibilities.
“Yes, but apart from that, I have worth”, and more things would come up.
I would repeat it and setting parts and issues aside, until yes, I could say “I have worth”, and feel it land.
Aaaah, this is what it feels to feel having worth.
I would stay with that. Feel it in my system. Share it. Bask in it.
And then I would go back to the single parts, and listen, and accept them. The ones that felt they had done something bad, the ones that judged myself for what I did (or did not do, or what I allowed others to do to me, or for not knowing any better, or… you know the drill, I think). And the rest.
It was a bit like liking a group of friends. Sure, that one is loud, that one is quite unreliable, and that one, well…
And yet, the group, we like, we love.
It took time. And yet it was possible.
It was collecting trailheads, for inner work, and to the feeling, such as ”I am loved”. “Just that tiny bit feels like that, and only in those few situations.”
So. THAT is how “I am loved” feels. Let’s explore. Let’s find similar footprints in the forest…
Invitation to explore
So here is the invitation: take the affirmations as a tool to notice what’s there, what could need exploration, need work, need care.
If something comes up, try setting that aside, “apart from that, [the affirmation]”. Repeat until it kind of works to say the affirmation.
Bookmark the feeling. Maybe it is just a small feeling, maybe it is about only some parts of the system: it is a start.
Feel it. Stay with it. “That’s how it feels”.
Share it with your system. See if you remember other situations.
See if some parts come up with “hey, OK, if being loved feels like that, then it happened, kind of, also that time”.
What do you notice? What did you notice in the process?
What could you explore now?
You can go back to the parts that resisted it. You can work with the rest of the system.
You can invite the parts that you judge, the ones that do the judging, and see what they need to share. They generally mean and meant well.
Or try offering the affirmation to a part. In the same way we practice it in Metta meditation, maybe start from the easiest parts, and build up to the hardest. “You are loved and worthy” to the parts that take care of others is easy. To the ones we judge is harder. And yet they mean well, if we ask and listen.
Invite the cringing. Invite the skeptical parts. Invite the resistance, and see what happens.
Also try some variations. For this, some affirmations we like using for this are:
I am loved. I am lovable. I am worthy of love.
I am worthy. I have worth. I deserve to be worthy.
I am safe. I deserve to be safe. I keep myself safe. I take care of myself.
I trust myself. I deserve to be trusted.
See what happens. At times one part works well, “of course”, and another suddenly feels off. There. A trailhead.
Happy exploring, and see what happens.
Let us know if anything interesting happens.
As usual: if you want support in getting to know your parts, trailheads, and explore your system, you can book a session with us.
Also, we are hosting a Parts Work Unconference on the 12th of October 2024. It’s free. Come!
we also like living under a rock, kindred soul
surprisingly, there is some scientific research supporting their usage for well being. Nothing about materializing a million [insert currency].
no, I am not spying on your kitchen behavior. We all have been there.
even if at times the universe has different ideas, and “never” could happen soon enough