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A bit of a warning: this post could end up a bit more of a rant than other posts. I (Alex) have quite strong opinions about this, or, as we say, I have parts with strong opinions about this.
There is this concept floating around of the inner saboteur. Doing a quick search you can find several articles on how to Assess/Discover Your Saboteurs, Overcome Saboteurs in Coaching, A Psychologist's Guide To Silencing Your 'Inner Saboteur', and many, many others.
The inner saboteur is “the part of us that routinely sabotages our desires, good intentions, and the plans we make for success or a better life”. Or “inner saboteurs are patterns of thinking that control how we think, feel, and respond to situations. These patterns deliberately cause you to self-sabotage, which is a pattern of behaviors, thoughts, or actions that hold us back from reaching our goals, despite our best intentions”.
Most articles seem to be about silencing, overcoming, vanquishing, or defeating these “nasty” saboteurs. You get the idea. 1
My IFS sensitivity does not like this much. My own experience in fighting parts of myself, silencing them, banishing them, getting them out of the system is that it simply does not work. The whole point of IFS is that all parts mean well, even the ones that seem nasty and scary and dangerous. Somehow, more so with the nasty and scary ones: often they mean really, really well, and they have been working for us in the only ways they understand or know for a long time.
And yet, we all at times do things that are not in our best interests. At times we behave in ways that can really look like self-sabotage. We seem to shoot ourselves in the foot. At times, it sure can feel like we are dealing with inner saboteur.
So let’s put on our exploration goggles and investigate how come this could be happening.
As humans, we sometimes don’t manage to achieve what we want, and, we seem to be the ones at fault. Is it sabotage? Are some of our parts pushing against? Could it be something else?
Let’s start from the idea of sabotage. For example, the notion of the fifth column. From what I know of history2, the term of saboteurs was mostly used as political propaganda, as a way to explain why the “Great Brilliant Way Forward” was not going forward as it was professed or supposed to. “We have been doing all of the right things: if it doesn’t work, there must be saboteurs at play, dark figures poisoning the food and ruining the factories”, etc.
Let me tell you about the original "cargo cult", 3
a phenomenon that emerged in Melanesia, particularly on the islands of Papua New Guinea and Vanuatu, during and after World War II. Indigenous peoples in these regions observed the arrival of military personnel who brought large amounts of supplies, or "cargo," such as food, clothing, and equipment. The islanders, unfamiliar with the production and distribution processes of these goods, believed that these items had a spiritual or supernatural origin.
In some cases, they began to develop religious rituals and practices aimed at attracting more cargo, often mimicking the behaviors of the military personnel they had observed, such as building mock airstrips, control towers, and even wooden airplanes. They believed that by recreating these actions, they could summon the cargo, which they thought was sent by their ancestral spirits or deities.
The indigenous people built fake airstrips, and made all of the gestures that looked very much like what had, during World War II, attracted goods, “cargo”. And yet the cargo wouldn’t come.
I was not there at the time, but I would not be surprised at all if some people started suspecting foul play or sabotage. “Maybe Person X is not performing the ritual correctly, that’s why the cargo is not coming. Maybe someone is sending the cargo somewhere else, where they can enjoy it all alone”.
The rituals are correct, if they do not work, someone must be sabotaging them, right?
Well, maybe the issue is that the rituals themselves do not work. It was not the airstrip that brought the goods.
At times, what we try to do doesn’t work because it cannot work. We do all the right things, perform all the self-help ritual spells, and yet, it doesn’t work. The Great Brilliant Way Forward ritual or activity does not materialize a million (insert favorite currency), an amazing partner, an Olympic body, full enlightenment, peace on earth, or guilt-free cake, without any change on our side. 4
Let’s consider it an experiment we tried. Consider asking around it if it works for others. If it doesn’t work for anyone else, consider changing course. If it works for other people, consider if they can do things that you cannot. In that case, again, consider changing course. Or adapting the ritual. Or changing it. Unless of course you enjoy doing the rituals, and you are happy doing them without any expectation of result. Performing a rain dance can be fun even if it doesn’t rain or need to rain.
Let’s say the ritual could work. Maybe it even works sometimes, or our friends, teachers, mentors, coaches, therapists are really sure that it could and should work, that it is not cargo cult.
And for some reason, you do not manage to do it. You maybe even do the opposite. Or do it just about almost right, apart from that very small thing that makes everything fall apart.
This too can feel a bit more like sabotage.
Why would our parts sabotage us?
Let’s recap the obvious: our parts are, well, parts of us. They tend to want what’s good for us. Even the most vicious parts tend to do what they do because they don’t know any better. Even when they harm us, they tend to think that it would be better than the alternative, or that it will protect us, or make us stronger, or [insert your inner voice here]. I won’t say that those parts’ impact is always pretty, or that it works. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.5 They are STILL good intentions, (even if they lead to hell.)
This is where putting on our IFS googles can help: let’s get curious.
Explore these parts. If you need, think about patterns of behaviors thatseem to hinder you,e.g. you tend to start reading that novel the night before you need to wake up early for an important interview, you keep on turning “just one more page”, and discover it’s 5am in the morning. Maybe you bought enough snacks to last a small army for one year, just before going on a diet. Maybe it is “just 5min of social media”, or some other light drug.
Ask “what do I do to block myself from shining?”. See if you can approach what emerges with curiosity.
Think about a team in which you have been part of. Think about a situation when you have been ordered to do something, without being involved in the decision. Let’s say you believed it was a bad decision. Did you ever push against it? Openly, or quietly? If not you, did anyone else? Or think of a situation in which you or your team were was asked for an opinion on a decision, just to hear the opinion explained away, without it really being taken into consideration, making it clear that the decision was already made, and the management or the other person just had to tick the “ask for opinions” box, without the requirement of actually listening to opinions and considering them. Did you then push against it, or did someone else do? What did that do to your or your team’s morale?6 It did not help , did it? Something similar, or the same, is true for our inner team.
Involve your parts in your decisions, and listen to what they have to say. What can feel like sabotage can be parts that did not feel involved in a decision, or know something you may not about it, or at least do not agree with it. If we find out what they hold, we can do something about it. Maybe they could even be right. Again, is there anything that those parts know that you do not? It could be important. It could be true. Or, it could have been true, many, many years ago, and the parts did not realize.
We cannot know unless we ask. We can ask directly: “is there anything I should know?”, listen, and see what comes back. We can be indirect, noticing behaviors, patterns.
Try to notice if you are actually curious about these parts, their goals and beliefs. ”I want to find out about you so that I can defeat you” does not project the best attitude, with parts, or with people.
Maybe you overlooked something. Maybe the decision comes from a part (most decisions that are opposed by parts come from parts, in my own experience). Maybe “wrecking our body and our relationships to become rich” is not the goal we should pursuit, and the fact that we end up “wasting” all the time we could spend winning at money socializing with friends is not sabotage? Or maybe a part reacts in the only way it can. Maybe we are lacking something in life, and it is trying to get it somehow. We cannot know unless we ask, and listen. Keep on asking, and listening.
You could find some old fears. Something that was true long ago.
Other helpful questions to ask ourselves and our parts are: “what would happen if I succeeded at X?”, “what would be the cost?”. Explore by saying: “I am afraid that if I manage at X, I will…” and see what comes back.
Invite whoever was not invited before to share. Ask everyone to talk. If at all possible, reassure your parts that you are not in the convincing business, that you are there to listen to what they know, and/or want and need.
See if there is something you did not know behind the goal you are trying to pursue. Maybe there are different ways to achieve what you wanted to achieve, and your system will be more on-board. Maybe it is not money you need, but safety, respect, accomplishment, freedom.7 Maybe there are different strategies to pursue those needs.
Ask your system, ask your parts. Invite everyone to the table. If you need, use pen and paper.
Once everyone has been invited, and listened to, check again how you feel about your goal. What comes up? Is everyone on-board, or at least not a no? Can you try small things? Can you invite all voices?
To make it a bit less abstract, I can use myself as an example. At times, I end up procrastinating like crazy. For sure, it happened a lot in the past, but it can still happen. There was just that one thing to do, and, well, I just ended up not doing it. What was confusing is that, at other times, I would totally pre-crastinate, do things right away, have no problem with hard things and hard work. And yet I kept on pushing that aside. The way I remember, one of three things happened:
the thing passed, I was out of time, and with zero regrets. I actually did not really want to do it. I would look at the people that did it, and feel some sort of gratitude not to be one of them. Lesson learned.
I finally forced myself to do the thing, and boy oh boy it was hard. I was not procrastinating on “those 10’ of effort”, I was procrastinating on “those 10 days of pain”. That I HAD to go through, but clearly some of my parts knew that there was something there, and made me not start it during a coffee break. Lesson learned.
the thing passed, I was out of time, with some regrets, and with a decent amount of effort and cost (fines, and stuff), I was able to catch up. There was a price, and I paid for it. Lesson learned. Generally, I also learned to find ways to engage in those situations (like, bureaucracy and taxes).
I do not mean to say it always went well: other times there were just old reasons. Asking that person out. Writing that application. Often it ended up being one of case 3. It is amazing how you can ask someone out 3 years after you met them8. And yes. It did not always go well. But there were always reasons. Beating myself for not being able to do that small things, and trying to silence my “inner saboteurs”, was not the way forward. They knew something I needed to know and acknowledge, and I was not doing it.
A side note: the idea of a saboteur, and of a traitor in general, is that they are loyal to someone else. They are not really part of the team/group/family, for whatever reason. In my own experience, something like this can happen in our own systems: we all have been taught things that were good for the family/country/church/group, but not for us. At the very least, advertisement comes to mind. Our parts that hold those beliefs will somehow present as having a mixed loyalty. Some part will feel that they would be betraying our parents, our faith, our country if we did/didn’t do X.
We cannot really know what is there until we ask and explore. And then… well, we can open a dialogue. They could be right, what we want to do could cause a lot of pain around us, ruptures in relationships, friendships, families. At the same time, we could discover, in our heart of hearts (Self, inner wisdom, etc.) what is the right thing to do, even if it will cause pain. Try to share thatk knowledge with that part. Take time. Go with the inner grieving, if needed. See what needs to be done. And let the part know that, yes, you are aware of the pain it will cause, because any time we have to reject part of our past, there will be pain. But that would be less than the pain of staying on a path that is wrong for us, and maybe others.
See what happens.
See what this does to those “inner saboteurs”. In my experience, they can become our best inner cheerleaders, supporters, problem solvers.
Let us know if anything interesting happens.
As usual: if you want support in getting to know your parts, “saboteurs” or not, you can book a session with us.
let’s be clear here: I am not disparaging the cultures that originated this. They did not know any better about the amazing technology and plenty they were exploded to, and, above all, we do it all the time, so much that it became a concept to use when we do it, in our own lives, professions, activities. I first hear the concept reading R. Feynmant, talking about Cargo Cult Science in Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!. We have Cargo Cult Programming, and management, we talk about Cargo Cult in psychology and therapy. If you want: they got there first.
I keep on using money as an example, because it is easy to overfocus on it, since it is a number and we can always try to increase it. Money can be great. It is much better than poverty. But at times it can be too expensive.
