The unburdened lightness of partswork

The role of humor and play when dealing with parts

“Life is much too important to be taken seriously.” ¹

I started writing this piece a while ago, and got stuck since I kept on feeling that “this is important, I need to get it right!”.
As we’ll see, this is a bit ironic.

It’s hard to be playful, to play, to be light, to use open hearted humor, when things feel tight, when a lot is at stake: and yet it is possible, sometimes. On the other hand, it is almost impossible to be playful and light when feeling threatened, in danger, when we feel that a mistake could be fatal.²

Along that line, this is something I want to explore here: feeling safe enough to be light and playful with what is important, with our dreams, limitations, wounds, with our failures and fuck-ups.

In my experience, when a system is lighter, less burdened, more spacious, more open, more integrated, things also get much more playful, and at times properly funny.

Since humor, and play, are among the first things to disappear when we do not feel safe, can we use this as a diagnostic? Can humor be the canary in the coal mine (a signal of how safe we feel)?

What is the role of this in dealing with parts?

Above all: can we do parts work without becoming overly serious, without without squeezing out play and humor?
While also not by forcing some sort of performative humor, a show of being playful: “look at me, I am so funny and playful, ha-ha, I do it because it’s so safe and good inside”.
Can we also avoid putting "be funny for 10 min" on our already crammed to-do list, avoid adding yet another thing to our overflowing bucket of “things I have to do to be a well-adjusted human”, together with mindfulness, 8hrs of sleep, gratitude, flossing, and eating our greens?

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Disclaimers first

We all love disclaimers. For things going on the public internet, we could go on putting disclaimer after disclaimer, in the hope of not getting misunderstood, and then putting some disclaimer about “I do not want to be that person that puts too many disclaimers” (this is the thing you have just read, by the way).

On the other hand, parts work can deal with trauma, with deep inner suffering. (Not always, not necessarily, not all of the time.)

First of all: we are not saying that things are not important. Or that things should not hurt. Or that we should be laughing all the time, possibly with a red clown nose and a manic grin.

Some of us are dealing with horrible wounds, or did in the past. And we all have been hurt, in small and big ways.
We cannot force it, or anything in fact, to be funny. That too would be violence.
Maybe at times there is a tinge of dark humor in what we are going through, but it is neither playful, nor funny.³

Please always respect that feeling of “this is not funny now”. That part is trying to protect something. Respect it.
Never force humor. Do not force play because that is the opposite of play.

Play requires safety

It disappears when things are not safe, or at least not perceived as safe.

If you cannot make at least a bit fun of your situation, of yourself, maybe things are not safe, or things are not perceived to be safe.

And maybe a part of yourself is now snarling at me, going “sure, tell me something I don’t know, Captain Obvious”.
Yeah, I know — obvious. Still worth saying. Sorry about that.

But really, this is one of the points: after things have been processed enough, unburdened enough, some lightness, some playfulness can enter or release within the system.
At times, it happens by itself.
At times, we can nudge it.

This lightness, this possibility of being somewhat playful, not too serious, even funny about something, that something that used to cause us so much grief, can be somewhat diagnostic: are we enough in peace with that thing that happened, with a part of ourself, that we can actually smile about it, that we can play or dance with it?

Please note that humor can be a defense mechanism, and or a protective strategy: we all probably know people that make a joke as soon as things get emotional, and we all experienced humor as a weapon, “making fun of” instead of “having fun with”.
In my experience, trying to be funny before the time is right often backfires.
If done inside, it feels like smiling while gritting our teeth.
Outside, it either feels fake, or lands as an attack.

Think about having a conflict with a friend.
At times, after a while, we can laugh about it, “do you remember the time that we did X?”.
At times, when things are really good, we can even smile about it when we see it coming, “are we going to do X now?”.⁴
On the other side, if our friend tries to tease us while we feel hurt or let down or angry, that rarely goes well.

The same inside.

So, here is the question: what can you be light, or lighter, about?
What can be fun, even if it is deep, or painful?

I heard this once:

You can take yourself seriously, or what you do seriously, but not both at the same time.

When you check, are there parts that cringe? Parts that go “no, this is important, this is too serious”?
If so: maybe approach with some curiosity, or care.
Is there anything surprising there?
Are “important” and “serious” always the same thing?

"This cannot be played with" or "this cannot be made fun of": is that really true?
Totally, completely, absolutely?
Or is it true right now?

Because, conversely, this tightening, this disappearance of lightness, playfulness, humor about something that, in other times, we can be light about, can be diagnostic ON THE SPOT, in the moment it is happening, if we manage to get enough spaciousness, enough grip on ourselves, enough “unblending” to notice that we are tight, we do not have it together, we are “blended”, that we cannot be light about what is happening.

In the moment, if you notice that something you have been able to be light about in the past, something you know you CAN be light about, but now, RIGHT NOW, it is so important that it needs to be taken seriously, this is really deadly seriously important, “nothing to joke about now”, well…
When we notice that, maybe we are blended. Activated. Contracted.

The sock of destiny

A totally true to life example to prime the intuition pump:

You know your partner is a bit messy. You have been together long enough that you went through enough cycles of grief about not finding your favorite left sock, again, and you have reached acceptance: you love your partner, your partner is messy, you love a person that is messy, and that comes with, at times, not finding your favorite left sock.
At times you tease your partner about where your left sock happens to be this time.
Most of the times, it is not a big deal.
And then, one day (maybe you did not sleep enough, maybe your favorite hamster team lost the sport elections last weekend, maybe all of your socks are dirty and you are late and it’s the meeting of your career to ensure enough funding for the future of your favorite hamster team), you cannot find your left sock (again), and, you explode.
How can they do this to you?
”Don’t they know how much you care about that sock?”
”This is not OK! This is important. They clearly do not care, do not love you, they are not a good person, were never a good person…”
Maybe this happens inside.
Maybe you even explode at your partner

.

Notice what is happening here and now.
This was something that, yes, used to annoy you. But for enough time, it was something you just shrugged your shoulders about, or could smile about, or even became part of your shared story with your partner.
And now, right now, it is important, it is serious, enough to stomp your feet, maybe to shout, or even question the whole life partnership thing.

If you notice it, maybe check: maybe it’s just a left sock.
(Also, maybe you misplaced it, and not your partner. It happens. It happened before)

When we notice it, we can stop, breathe. Re-center. Listen. Notice. Get curious.
Do not force it to be light if it does not feel light.
But if possible get curious about it, about how come now, right now, this is so important.
Maybe you can ask “what of all this is so important/ bad?”, or other open questions.

Maybe you notice it only after a little bit.
You can try to keep an eye on the “humor meter”, and notice when you can smile a bit about the situation.

It happens in relationships, it happens in our reactions to the world, and in what happens inside of us.
Another example story:

Several years ago, I was late for a meeting, since my bicycle broke down.
The chain got all twisted, I did not have any tools, and was already running late.
(As usual for me at the time)
First I tried pushing and pulling. Then I tried lifting and slamming the bike (clearly the way professionals deal with broken bikes, right? Right!). Then I started also shouting and getting really angry.
(This was almost 20 years ago. I got a bit better at not shouting at inanimate objects, and overreacting, since, but sharing this still feels somewhat shameful, or at least silly).
I started really bike-raging, and being angry at the material world, the universe, chain transmissions, grease, and lack of thereof.

I went on like that for a little while, probably a minute or so.
I was alone in the park (or so I hope; I guess if there were other people, they were keeping distance from the weird guy raging at his old bike)…

Then it dawned on me that the situation (and I) were being really absurd. Also, that I was not really making things any better: shouting at the bike was not exactly intimidating it into working.

Then, it got funny. I was being an idiot, and I saw it.
The fact that no one was around helped.
I started grinning, shaking my head, then went on laughing.

I re-started working on the chain with my bare hands and some sticks. I managed to untwist the chain and to put the bike back together. I tightened things by hand.

I went on to the appointment. I arrived late, dirty, slightly apologetic, but amused and light. Nothing bad came out of it.

The cosmic joke

Mystics talk about the cosmic joke. Some mystical traditions tend to use humour a lot (Zen and Sufism come to mind).
Parts Work can be described as “talking with imaginary friends for healing and clarity”. A friend described it as “inner spelunking”.

Being a human is quite a weird thing, full of contradictions.
We have quotes like:
"You are a ghost driving a meat-covered skeleton made from stardust riding a rock floating through space. Fear nothing."⁵

Years ago, I was at a meditation retreat I co-organized with other “spiritual adventurers” ⁶, to explore a peer-to-peer model of retreating, and some meditation techniques, specifically Fire Kasina.
That is: staring at a candle flame for a while, then closing your eyes and noticing what happens. Then doing it again. And again. And again.

After a few days, we were really, really tense about it. It was important. We wanted to get THIS result, or reach what that other participant described, or [fill in the blank].

This is a phase that is at times described as “the dark night”, taking from the expression “Dark Night of the Soul” from St. John of the Cross: things get really tight, unpleasant, reactive, even dark.

It then started dawning on some of us: what we were doing was just a little bit silly. A dozen of grown ups in a room, starting at a candle, then closing their eyes.
Sure, something something Buddhism something something awakening something something liberation something something suffering.
But the thing itself? Pretty silly, really. Not that important in itself.

Some of us started being lighter. Making a bit fun of it. I put a “why so serious?” on the notice board while another participant made a quite good impersonation of The Joker.

The sitting itself, the practice, did not get much easier, but the whole situation got lighter. And, to be honest, better.⁷

The practice

I tend to make things into practices.
This is mostly a proposal, but we can extract a practice out of this:

What is too important to make fun of it?

Get curious.
Has it always been like this? How would it be if you saw that behavior or reaction in someone else?
Can you be playful with what you do, while at the same time deeply caring about it?
If not: what is missing?

Another possibility, above all during conflicts with others, is to catch the humor as soon as it re-emerges.
Not before: pushing for humor makes often for jokes with hooks and pies with razor blades hidden inside. But as soon as you notice that your behavior is the same as 100 times before, as soon as you notice that maybe, JUST MAYBE, the dishwasher not being emptied is not the worst crime against humanity since Genghis Khan, see if you can be curious about your reaction. “Could it be that I am making this into something bigger than it is?”
See what happens. ⁸
Embrace re-dos.
You can go to a friend, a partner, and see if you can be gently playful in your communication.
They could play along.⁹

That’s it.

Let us know what happens if you try this.

Commercial notice, as usual: if you want support in getting to know your parts, trailheads, and explore your system, with or without playful humor (your call), you can book a session with us.
Also: have you noticed how money is a really, really serious business? I mean: money doesn’t make people happy, but paying bills contributes to the condition necessary to have enough safety to be playful. (I know, not funny, this was my best impersonation of K. Marx).

1. practically Oscar Wilde. Meaning this was G. K. Chesterton attributing it to Wilde, who actually wrote “life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it”.
I note it because most quotes tend to gravitate toward Wilde/Twain/Einstein/Churchill, and it feels good to say “yes, practically true” for once.

2. literally, or metaphorically, as deep shame or ostracization…

3. on the other hand, it CAN be defensive.

4. where X is “having a fight about who brought the trash out” or “who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman” or…

5. I would point out that I do not agree much with the “ghost driving” part, and that “meat” is the thing itself…

6. meaning the kind of people that think that “renting a location for 2 weeks to do something weird with your mind and see what happens” is a great idea

7. and that and that made the sits, in turn, easier.

8. Only: you cannot force it. “I will make fun of it so that it works better” often fails.

9. or not, and attack you. The thing is: once you are making fun of yourself, it’s hard for others to attack you properly. See Cyrano de Bergerac: “ah, you think THAT was teasing me? Hear this”.
In any case: if they do not play nice, you can just stop playing. Or have fun by yourself.