The parts ate my homework: on take-home practices
Approaching homework (or maybe home-play or take-home practices) in a way that is meaningful and nourishing
Homework evokes images of afternoons wasted in meaningless tasks, boring math (or latin, or writing) exercises, possibly last minute cobbling something together, dreaded moments before being called to show something that you did not do, or did not do properly.
Very rarely fun.
Many IFS practitioners prefer not to offer any sort of homework in between sessions for this reason, and because "most people do not do their homework anyway".
And no surprise, given the negative associations many of us have with homework.
I really get it.
On the other hand, new skills and approaches need to be practiced. It is hard to get better at anything if we do it one hour a week. May it be meditation, a language, programming, yoga. And parts work.
For this reason, many other therapy approaches involve lots of homework: worksheets, practice groups, and skill-building exercises.
What if we could try something different?
As you can imagine: this post is about different things we can try to choose our own homework.
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The dreaded school homework
For many of us, school homework was an obstacle to be avoided with the minimum amount of effort and consequences.
Not only school: for some reason, around age 10, my parents decided that I should learn to play an instrument. I was not that much into music, but something something education. I vaguely suspect someone mentioned that "it would help with girls", but I cannot imagine that was a strong argument with a 10 years old. 1
So once a week I was be dragged to a guitar teacher. He had me learn some chords I could not distinguish, and scales, then give me what to practice at home. Music homework.
That I did not practice, apart from 30 panicky minutes before the following class.
No surprise, I did not learn much. 1 hour a week, plus 30 crammed and panicky minutes, did not do much.2
In the meanwhile, I learned origami (several hours a day), English to be able to read table top role playing games manuals, also the rules for said games, and a few other things.
I did lots of home-work. Actually, I wasn't doing homework—I was engaging in home-play. On the things I was interested in. I learned things because that was a way to get what I wanted: doing origami models, reading manuals in English, knowing rules of games.
This distinction between homework and home-play points to something: meaningful practice happens naturally when it connects to our genuine interests and desires. When we shift from externally imposed tasks to internally motivated exploration, resistance often melts away.
The key difference isn't in the activity itself, but in who chooses it and why.
So how might we apply this insight to parts work? Instead of prescribing generic exercises, what if we collaborated with our internal system to design practices that feel engaging and meaningful?
This shifts the dynamic from compliance to curiosity, from obligation to opportunity.
Let's explore how to co-create take-home practices with your internal system that have a better chance of actually happening—and of being genuinely useful when they do.
Let’s try this.
Coming up with your own challenges
When working with someone, at times we arrive to something that should be practiced.
First, I encourage them to come up with possible take-home practices, tasks, challenges, in between sessions or in general.
Then we explore the system together, to see if there is any resistance, any problem.
Is any part of the person dreading it? Is any part trying to please, other parts, or me?
We also explore the past: what worked? Did it ever work?
If it never worked, what can we do differently? How can we set up an experiment?
Finally we can come to an agreement.
The agreement includes possible backup plans, possible alternatives.
”What happens if you do not manage?”
It also includes a limit: “try for a week/month/a few times”.
Then they often do not do it, and we spend part of the following session working on that, on what “parts ate the homework”. 3
And that is perfectly fine, that is actually one of the goals: it was an experiment, and we now know more.
As we described in Next steps to Align Your Life:
Maybe a week passes, and you did not manage to do that small thing.
It looks that, at least for some parts of yourself, that was not that small of a thing.
And now we know there is something there: this is great.Alternatively, everything goes great. Congratulations!
Alternatively, you manage to do everything you decided to do, and the results are completely different from what you expected.
Or anything in-between.
The way we think about this, we are trying to make this impossible (or at least very difficult) to fail:
if you do the thing, and things happen as you expected, that’s great.
Your life is a bit better now. Hooray!if you do the thing, and things end up being different: that can be annoying or painful, but now you know it doesn’t work, and hopefully you DID follow the guideline about “making small steps” so you can take it back
if you realize you do not manage to do the thing, now you know there is something there.
Maybe it was not as easy as you thought, maybe it was not a thing but a lot of things, maybe it depended on others… or maybe you just discovered something you can work on inside (a “trailhead” in IFS lingo)
The idea is to have it a win-win: you win if you do the practice (because you wanted to do it), you win if you do not manage to do it (because now you know something more about yourself, and can try something different).
As long as you learn from the experiment, and change something, because we know that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. 4
The full process
The whole point is to come up with your own homework. Homeplay. Take home practice.
In case you work with others: make it a collaboration.
If they ask you to do something that you know won’t work, you can say something like:
”There is no way I will do that. What about this other thing?”
(If they are set in stone that you have to do something you do not feel you can or want to do: maybe, just maybe, you should not work with them)
Come up with your own practices or challenges
Is there something you want to get better at?
Maybe it is specifically about parts work: journaling? Checking in with some part of yourself? A practice session?
Maybe it is a communication process: some NVC practice? Sending a message a day to friends? A kind of check-in? Communicating with a talking stick? Talking for parts?
Going walking? Dancing? Yoga? To the gym?
Learning a language?
Anything that comes up.
It helps making a list.
Ask your system to allow for brainstorming rules in this: proposals without comments or editing. Come up with ideas. If there are voices that cringe, or are afraid to try, or afraid to allow yourself to dream: acknowledge them, let them know they will be listened to, and ask them for the space to just come up with ideas. You are not committing to anything yet.
Maybe you already know what you want to do. Maybe not.
If possible, keep it somehow vague and general.
In case you need some help priming the inspiration pump, here are some possibilities:
For parts work practice:
Setting aside 5-10 minutes daily to check in with a specific part that needs attention
Journaling from the perspective of different parts when triggered
Creating a physical representation (drawing, clay figure, etc.) of a part you're working with
Practicing "parts pause" - noticing when a part is activated and pausing before reacting
Using voice memos to record dialogue between your Self and a specific part
Setting up visual reminders (sticky notes, phone alerts) to practice presence with difficult parts
For communication practice:
Trying "I statements" in one challenging conversation per week
Practicing a daily appreciation text to a friend or family member
Using a talking object during difficult family discussions to represent when a part is speaking
Recording yourself explaining a challenging concept and listening to identify which parts speak up
For somatic practices:
Trying a 2-minute body scan before bed to notice where parts might be holding tension
Dancing for 5 minutes to music that resonates with a specific part
Walking meditation where you notice how different parts experience movement
Practicing a grounding exercise when a protective part gets activated.
Choose one to three directions.
(You can go for more in the ideation phase, but I would not recommend trying to do too many things at once. It never worked for me. Less tends to be more in this case)
Explore possible plans of actions
Take one of the possibilities above. If you have more than one, you can repeat with each of them.
If it is vague: what are possible steps in that direction?
Dancing more: how often?
Learning a language: what can you do? What would be a reasonable goal? How could you practice it?
Ask your system, your parts for ideas.
What worked in the past?
Would it help to do it with friends? Hire someone?
When was it fun?
Would it help to have a reward, a prize? A punishment? 5
Come up with possible plans of actions.
Choose one, keep the others as backup, in case something comes up.
In case you are working with someone: ask for advice, for possible steps, possible practices. Co-create the possibilities.
Check with your system
Imagine committing to doing it. Daily, weekly, a few times.
If possible, say it out loud (I know, it feels weird).
Example: ”I will write at least 3 gratitudes every morning for a month”.
Decide clearly on what is a success: flossing 5 days a week? Working out 3 times a week? Practicing Elfish 10 minutes a day, at least 4 days a week?
At this point, vague goals can make you feel you never do enough.
Vague: "I'll meditate more."
Clearer: "I'll meditate for 5 minutes at least 4 mornings this week."
Vague: "I'll check in with my parts."
Clearer: "I'll spend 10 minutes each evening journaling dialogue with my anxious part before bed, at least 3 times this week."
Vague: "I'll be more mindful of my critical part."
Clearer: "I'll pause and note in my phone app each time I notice my critical part activating, aiming for awareness of at least 3 instances per day."
Vague: "I'll practice better boundaries."
Clearer: "I'll use 'I need to think about that' instead of immediately saying yes in at least 2 social requests this week."
Vague: "I'll work on self-compassion."
Clearer: "When I notice my perfectionist part criticizing me, I'll place my hand on my heart and speak one kind sentence to myself, attempting this response at least once daily."
Vague: "I'll listen to my body more."
Clearer: "I'll do a 3-minute body scan at noon each workday, noting where I feel tension and asking what part might be holding that tension."
What comes up?
Are there parts of yourself that cringe? That go “oh not, not yet another thing to do, please no!”? Parts that shake their head, “we know we will not do it”?
Check in with those parts, acknowledge them. See if they know something that you do not know. See if you can find an agreement: not necessarily a “hell, yeah!”, but a “let’s give it a try”.
Maybe a clear limit is needed. Maybe something needs renegotiating.
As noted in Next steps to Align Your Life:
It is enough if all parts are open to giving it a try. We are looking for some supporters, and no one setting a veto.
Maybe a part with a very strong opinion will be open to the idea of trying something they are sure won’t work for just a week.
Please note: it is quite important to ensure that the part is genuinely open to giving the experiment a fair try. If the part wants to be right, it can just make the experiment fail (and so we end up thinking we have “inner saboteurs”. We don’t. We just did not involve everyone in the decision process, and some of the inner team members are not happy about it).
If a part of you is not open to giving the experiment a fair try, that is fine and good to know. Maybe it needs to be listened to more. Maybe it knows something that we do not. Maybe something else needs to be tried first.This can be a long negotiation.
At times, we need to change course. Make things smaller. Different.
Maybe we need to start from somewhere else.
The goal here is to find some sort of alignment. Not having a tug of war happening inside.
There are different ways to do it. We find IFS to be very helpful in this.
And, like at every other step: you could realize that you get very, very activated by something that you feel should be easy. At that point, you can take the opportunity to go inside and explore what is there.
Or bookmark it for another time, and try something else for now.
Explore until you feel some curiosity about trying, some level of “OK, this could work, let’s see what happens”.
Give it a try
For a week, a month, a few times.
If it is a practice: you could need a few weeks to find out if it is helping, but you can find out if you can actually do it pretty quickly.
Did it work?
As noted above, here are the possibilities:
You did it.
It worked. You are getting better at what your are practicing.
Great! Congratulations! Thank your parts, congratulate your system.
Learn from this: maybe you can apply this approach to something else (no pressure).
You did it.
But it did not work. You are not getting better, this is not helping.
Thank your parts, congratulate your system for trying. And now you know more.
Maybe try something else? Ask for support?
You did not do it.
Thank your parts, congratulate your system for giving this a try.
Now you know something you did not know before
Was it possible, and you just could not bring yourself to do it?
Did you find out it was not that easy? The kind of tasks that are like “I will run a marathon next week” “I will write a novel this afternoon”?
What else did you learn?
Do you want to try again, but differently?
Or do you want to explore the parts that came up?
Beware: it could be very juicy, or bring to some deep wound. For sure, you know there is something there, and some parts of yourself are protecting you from something.
Some other possibilities or unexpected outcome
Leave space for the unknown.
—
That’s it
See if you can make peace with homework, maybe even have fun with it.
Think of this as a meta-homework assignment: an experiment in reframing practice itself .
Let us know what happens if you try this.
Commercial notice, as usual: if you want support in getting to know your parts, trailheads, and explore your system, you can book a session with us.
Again, we are hosting a Parts Work Unconference on the 5th of April 2025.
It’s free.
older me would want to point out that for a shy and introverted geek, what would have helped with girls was being taught how to strike up a conversation, not learning yet another solo activity. But I digress
I also know NOW that my hands are pretty small. As a grownup, it is still painful to try to do some chords on a guitar. That I do not do.
I am not the only one who heard “the dog ate my homework”, right?
no, it’s not from Einstein
I am not suggesting it, but some people can find it useful. I personally do not.