"Where Are They Now? -1 – The Missing Parts"
What happened to the parts we used to connect with years ago?
A tool for review
In some movies, after the end of the story, and after the credits, we have a "Where Are They Now?" part, where we find out what happened to the main characters.
Being personally just a little bit addicted to narrative1, to the “what happens next” part of good fiction, I love that. “This story was the biggest adventure in these characters’ life: here is what happened next”. It satisfies my need for closure, relaxing those parts of me that feel uncomfortable with open loops. It feels better than “and then they lived happily forever after”, that my realistic parts find problematic with that pesky “forever”.2
But what about our inner team after major events? Or months or years after doing significant work? Or after the dust of a major unburdening has settled and the system has had time to rebalance? Where are those parts now? What are they doing?
Before we begin: if you like what we do, if you like what you are reading, share it with others, and/or subscribe. We rely on word of mouth. oin our events, like the Unconference (we are having one soon, April the 5th, 2025). If you really like what we’re doing, you can book a 1:1 session with one of us to find out what it’s like to work with us.
“And then what happened?”
I recently found a notebook with some notes about my own parts work from several years ago, towards the end of the acute phase of a huge crisis.
Here's what I found: a list of parts I had worked with - some transformed, some integrated.
The ones that were supporting me. The ones that were still to be explored properly. And of course a list of the problematic ones, the ones I wanted to want to explore, but struggled to.
Hence, the idea of “where are they now?”. Did those transformations stick? What happened to those unburdened parts? Did the agreements to work as a team pan out?
Most of it felt easy. Nice.
”Oh, yes, that used to be a problem. Hm… it has mostly not being a problem for years. That’s great.”
“Oh, yes, that part took this other role. It still does, when needed. Most of the times, it just chills”.
Easy and nice is great. We really like easy and nice. It’s highly recommended.
What about the parts that aren't so easy to track, those that aren't clearly defined or nicely resolved?
For that, it is better to have some support: it can be a person (friend, peer, coach, practitioner, therapist), or at least pen and paper. A way to keep the process anchored.
So, here we are, with the current framework for a
“Where are they now? What happened then?” review process.
What you need
A list of parts from the past.
Since we want to see what happens to the inner team, we need a list of parts from some time in the past (we’re talking months or years here)
The best case is that you were doing parts work, and you have an actual list of parts that were present, that you were getting to know, working with, possibly struggling with.
The second best case is if you at least have some notes from the past, a journal, diary: memory is fallible, what we were actually writing then can surprise us now. 3
If you do not have notes, choose a point in time in the past, and remember what were the big issues, what were the struggles, what was really present then. Our lifemapping process can help: put yourself at the time, remember how things were.
What used to come up. How did your days unfold? What were the big issues?
Try to make a list of what was present a few years ago, at that specific point in time. During a crisis. Before. After. If you can, you can ask people around you. If you have journals, they are great. Chat transcripts too. Emails. If this appeals to you, you can fully embrace being a historian of yourself.
A specific point in time
Life is long, messy. Make this simpler for yourself by choosing a specific point in time as a starting point. (We have a similar process for re-sparking joy, that we will share another time)
As noted, make it at least a few months in the past. A suggestion is at least one year and one day, giving a full tour of the seasons. More is even better, but this can work as a yearly review.
If enough time has passed, choosing a moment of crisis or change is great: it somehow helps also because times of crisis or change are
a) usually stronger in our memory
and
b) possibly we asked for help, journaled, tried tools
Some time now
This will take some time. Give yourself a stretch of time to go between the memory lane and the present.
It could be a few hours right now.
It could be even better if you take 10-30 minutes a day for a week. When having it in the background, new memories and ideas can emerge.
Let’s go
From now on, we will expect you have either a list of parts that were present, or that you have done some exploration and research. If you want, you can do it now.
Still here?
Now that you have your list of parts,
Look at present:
who has been present since then?
what transformations/changes did stick?
what new transformations emerged?
who has been missing? (that used to be very present)
who else has emerged since?
is there anything missing in the system?
The questions are similar to what we propose to do at the end of the year in Mapping the past: a path to moving forward.
Seeing the unseen
The first few prompts are a bit easier to explore. We will probably cover them in a future post.
This post is about noticing what has been missing, what is not there: the dog that didn’t bark, the missing pieces, the hidden door.
Noticing what is not there, what has been gone for a while
We have a tendency to forget about how we felt in the past. We can remember the words, but the actual feelings are gone. Try remembering how it feels being very, very hungry, when happily satiated. Or, when very, very hungry, see what happens when you try to remember that “actually, for most of my life I have not been hungry”.
Sure, you can tell yourself that. You can believe it, it is very probably true4.And yet, it doesn’t do much: if we are really hungry now, that is really true right now, all encompassingly true.
The same is true for emotions: when really angry, when really sad, really heartbroken, really in love, really grieving, really happy. We can remember it having been true, we can remember what we did when really blended with the parts carrying those emotions. And yet, now, we do not really feel them much.
Parts are not emotions, but are connected.
Take your list past parts, look at them and notice if you go “oh, that one has not been present in a while”. Write it down, or note it down, or make a note of that.
Good, now we have a list of parts that have been apparently silent for a while, that used to be quite present.
There are 4 broad possibilities: relief, sadness/longing, neutral/ambivalent, and confusion.
Reminder: we do not get rid of parts
Before we go on, we want to remind one of the basic ideas of IFS: parts do not disappear. They transform. They are not what they do, they are not their job.
Given this, if they have not been present, they have changed what they do, how they do, or they are hiding.
Let’s go over the four possibilities, and how to explore them.
Relief
This should be self-explanatory: we did not like that behavior, that feeling, and it seems to be gone.
Take some time to appreciate that: it used to be a problem, and it is not anymore. Or it used to be a huge problem, and it is a nuisance now.
In any case: give yourself, your system, your parts some appreciation, some credit.
This is what growth feels like. This is what change feels like.
This is harder to do after a while. If we had a migraine for 3 days, when it lifts, we notice it. It’s great, even if we are still a bit wary.
Noticing after one year that, wait a moment, I used to be crippled by migraines almost weekly, and now I am not, is almost an afterthought.
Same with parts: the dog that doesn’t bark is hard to notice. The anger outburst that doesn’t explode doesn’t create problems. The depression that did not kick in. The anxiety that did not cripple us.
Stay with that. See if you can conjure the same relief of eating when hungry, sleeping when tired, drinking when thirsty, being warm after freezing (etc).
For bonus points, you can explore what happened.
What happens if you nudge your mind towards the situation that used to trigger problematic feelings or behaviors? Do this carefully. Gently.
Three main possibilities:
the parts transformed
the external situation changed
those parts are being suppressed in a better way
Have the parts transformed?
Was it the result of some unburdening (explicit or implicit)? Have you not exploded in anger because you learned to notice the symptoms, take time outs, communicate clearly, listen to your protective parts, and stand up for yourself (or insert what worked here?).
When exposed to the same stimulus, are things different?
“This time is different”
That’s great. Connect with the parts that changed role, thank them, see if there is anything that still needs to happen, any update. Make it known to your system. Celebrate in whatever way that works.
Let your system notice that those parts did not disappear. It is useful knowledge.
If they still care about the same things they cared about before, but feel more effective and happier: let the rest of the system know. Shake hands. Party. Dance.
Has the external situation changed?
This is also great. Some things do not work for us, no matter what. We freeze in the cold, cook in the heat, we need air, food, shelter, water, love, safety. Not everything is inside.
If you worked on changing your situation: celebrate, congratulate. Thank any part of your system that helped. If needed, thank any part of your system that keeps watch so that things do not end up that way again. See if they need support. Let them know that, even if it was bad, you survived then. Maybe they need to relax. Maybe they are trying to control something that cannot be controlled, and are very stressed.
Maybe check inside, if there are parts that are vigilant, that are ready to explore, that are hurt. Maybe those parts healed. Maybe they need some support.
Say “hi”. See if there is way to get to know each other.
(If you cannot find any part that would be triggered if the external situation went bad, check if those parts transformed. If so, see above. If not, they could be blocked. See below.)
Or those parts could be suppressed
At times, it works. Above all during an emergency. But if you are not in an emergency, you could want to explore them. Support them. At least, help them notice that they would not need to engage badly right now, and let the rest of the system relax around them.
This becomes actual parts work. We have other articles on the topic, and are happy to support you if needed.
Sadness/longing
Do you realize you miss that part of you? Feeling love, feeling good about something, a skill, a pursuit? Are you sad that is gone, was it good then? Do you miss yourself then, those parts of yourself?
Check what changed.
See if you can recall the situation.
What happens when you try to connect?
At times, other parts get really activated. We get fuzzy, distracted. Or a sense of dread, of fear overcomes us. Maybe that vulnerable, beautiful part of us got really hurt, and they got defensive, or other parts got defensive.
If we explore “what happened to the feeling of X?” or “what would happen if I still felt X” (or was, or could), some parts could emerge with variations of:
it doesn’t work
it never worked
it doesn’t work for me
it hurts too much
what’s the point
I am not good at it
it takes too much work for too little result
or other variations of disappointment, fear, hurt, loss.
Take these as trailheads. Take note of this. This can be the beginning of some healing work.
This is especially important if the external situation has changed. If you can show the system that, maybe, we could dare to feel X again. Like love, or trust, or confidence.
There could be a need for grieving. For acknowledging that it did not work fully, but a bit. For learning and adapting. For acceptance. For healing. Or, maybe, just for updating the system.
We could need to adapt our expectations. The possibilities are many.
What we know now is that:
the part we liked then is still there
and other parts are scared and blocking it (or that part is hardened and scared)
Gently work with the fears. They are there to protect us. “What would happen if I did not feel like that?” is a good start. A common reply is “I would get hurt again” or fail again and get hurt. That is possibly true. Acknowledge that. Maybe check if never getting hurt again is worth the loss. Maybe there are other ways. Maybe there are ways to protect the vulnerability without hiding it in a dungeon.
Again, this is the essence of parts work. One advantage of this is that we have adult, recent enough memories of feeling like that. Maybe it makes the grieving worse, but we can also remind our system that it is possible.
Those pesky expectations
I mentioned earlier about “having to adapt our expectations”. I am talking about the implicit expectations, the covert contracts: maybe we tell to ourselves that we just want something, but deep down, we (or some of our parts) what something else in exchange.
I want to be fit. (So that I will be popular, I will not be afraid, I will find a partner).
Maybe we got what were working for, and not the other part.
(The universe is generally under no obligation to fulfill our covert agreements)
And now we are disappointed. What’s the point in working so hard to get/be/do X, if that doesn’t work?
It makes sense.
Connect with those parts. Connect also with the parts that miss doing it. And the parts that have been disappointed. And the ones that want, strive, desire.
See what happens.
Again: this is the start of deeper parts work.
Neutral/ambivalent
It is hard to feel totally neutral. It is possible that some parts of our system miss the feeling, and other parts are happy it’s gone, and it gets blended in a “nothing to see here”.
See if you can disentangle the feelings and parts:
What was good about it?
(Almost) every problematic behavior has some silver lining. We would have not started, we would have not kept doing it if it was just bad. Do we miss something of it? Have we learned to feel in a similar way doing something else, or are we made peace with “I will never feel like that again, for better or worse”?
It could be a good thing. Ask inside. Check if anything needs to be known, anything needs to happen.
This is easier for the pars that felt good at the time: being fit, having a good relationship, etc.
What was problematic about it?
Some virtuous behavior come with a cost. Who am I kidding? Every virtuous behavior comes with a cost, we just decide it’s worth it. From eating healthy to being fit to being a reliable person to having a good family to sleeping well (and on and on and on), everything takes some work, everything has a cost.
Maybe we miss how good it felt to be able to run for 1h without getting out of breath. On the other hand, we do not go running 5 days a week, and that’s nice.
Maybe we miss being very good at drawing, On the other hand we do not spend 4h a day drawing.
Having a good relationship was great, but we neglected friends, work, and when it ended we were heartbroken and lost.
The costs could have been different. In any case: get some clarity on why some part of your system do not want to go back there, or do not feel you can afford it.
Of course, it is easier with problematic behaviors: getting angry all the time costed friends, and being always told that you were the problem, even when other people attacked you. Addictions come with all sort of problems. Procrastination too.
And now
Explore if there is any way to get part of the good without most of the problems. If there were situations where it worked. If you can connect with some parts of that feeling.
Or let it be. You have more clarity, and things are good the way they are.
Maybe check if anything is needed to keep the balance. Maybe some parts are pushing very hard against each other to go nowhere, and they could all relax and chill.
In any case, thank your system for the trust, openness, work.
Confusion
At times, when we read about some old parts, issues, or good things of us, we are left confused. “Hey, what happened?”
We could be confused about not having noticed that something was gone. Or about remembering that things were very different.
Was it me doing that? Where is that gone? What was I thinking then?
They are all good ways to start exploring.
At times, the confusion emerges from the fact that we were afraid of not managing/coping unless we did X, we stopped X, and nothing bad happened. (Or nothing good, that also happens, I am sorry).
Gently explore. What is surprising about this? How come I am confused? What am I not noticing?
And at times, we start wondering…
it is gone?
At times, when we check, and go “hm… that has not been present in a while”, we hear a voice. A whisper. Or notice something. A feeling.
And we realize that the part has been with us, just supporting, without needing to take over, to inflict pain, to explode, or to be controlled.
This is a good moment to say “hi”, to thank the part, to notice what the part has been doing since. If we liked the part, we can cultivate its presence. If it was problematic, and it is not now, we can check if anything is needed to make this even better, even easier.
It is often a case of “it transformed”. See above.
This is it
Thank your system. Congratulate again yourself and your parts for whatever went well.
If you committed to exploring some part, find a way to do it.
And thank yourself for having taken the time for this.
Anything missing?
Is there anything we missed in the process of reviewing missing parts from the past?
Let us know, in the comments, or writing us (just hit reply)
In any case, let us know if anything interesting happens.
As usual: if you want support in getting to know your parts, trailheads, and explore your system, you can book a session with us.
Again, we are hosting a Parts Work Unconference on the 5th of April 2025. It’s free. Come!
“having a part that is quite addicted to narrative” if you want
this rarely happens in series that Have To Keep On Going[tm].
both in good and not so good ways. “Oh look, I was struggling with this then, it’s gone”. Or “hm… this sounds very wise, pity for what happened then”. Or “ah… yes. I was already struggling with this. Oh well.
if it’s not, I am really, really sorry
I love this post. Ive at times felt that some of the exiles I've befriended and found some space with dont have a voice. They only know how to react by being extreme. Checking in and also helping them find a new role and voice so they dont become "Missing Parts" seems to be a key for me. What do you think?
I may need to reread this one a few times. One issue I've had is knowing or recognizing if I'm dealing with a returning part. It's not as clear to me if I'm checking in again or interacting with a new part. I may need to do a little art and naming or something, but I'm not sure why that seems more difficult for me. Hmm... Could be ADHD. And maybe the parts can help me out with that. Guess I better check in and ask!